Friday, December 28, 2012

Trusting God for a New Voice

**Take caution, dear reader. This post contains one raw, tender heart.**

The last few months I made a commitment to practice vulnerability, transparency. I struggle with depression, namely postpartum.

Filling in the blanks.

In my family of origin, I don’t recall sharing my heart. I don’t have many sweet memories of being heard. In my transition to adulthood, I’ve grappled with finding my voice. In high school I was an angry mess—for good reason—so my tongue was sharp, quick, hateful because of a damaged, diseased heart.

At college, my voice sweetened as I allowed the Lord, the Healer, to quiet my tongue as He performed a great surgery on my heart, mending diseased portions of it.

Somewhere amidst traveling and working in the Balkans and in Japan and in American high schools, my voice found laughter, a rich vocabulary, friendship, and instructive cadences.

The rhythm of life and my voice fused into a purpose: teaching. I felt alive. Needed. In my element. I remember thinking, “God has made me to be a teacher!”

Now I am a stay-at-home-mom. And I’m struggling.

I talk with, sing to, play with, and recount stories about my children. Even in the midst of chatter and talk, my heart feels silenced. Once again, I have that unshakeable sensation that the thoughts and feelings and songs and stories of my heart aren’t important enough to be heard.

It’s not true, you know. Every heart deserves an audience. Every heart has a beautiful story, a sweet and sorrowful song to sing, especially once the Maker of All mends and heals and restores the heart. Even my heart. I will always have an Audience of One.

My Audience of One even called me to this place—this place of uncertainty, this place of entangled thought—to find Him and to find another vocal frequency.

So I’m trying to fill in the blanks: I am a _________ woman, wife, daughter, sister, friend, mommy.

And this is my voice.



Lord Jesus, every good and perfect gift comes from above, and there is no shifting shadow in your character, in your goodness. Help me give way to this new gift of voice you are working in me, so that I might sound more like you. Amen.